Is it even LEGAL to wake up in a bad mood on your BIRTHDAY?! Well, I guess that since it is my birthday, I can do what ever I want, so let the bad mood continue...
Seriously, you know why some birthdays are harder than others? Because the ones that really SUCK are the ones where you are in the worst place possible in your life. I am not where I want to be in life. I do not want to be overweight or suffering from depression. I do not want to be in a failed marriage or seperated for over three years now. I do not want to be alone or tired or moody or irritated at life in general. I do not want to be dissappointed in people that are suppose to love me. I do not want to feel like I'm about to die at any given moment and this is the way people will remember me. I do not want to be such a bad example of how to live for my daughter. She deserves so much more.
And I am so tired of kicking myself in the ass and telling myself to just stop feeling sorry for yourself and get back on track. Just get up stupid and put your clothes away that have piled up to the ceiling. Just clean your house that has been neglected for months. Just keep your car cleaned out for pete's sake! Just do it!
Fact is, I can't just do it and that makes me feel even more guilty and worthless. Like something is wrong with me....guess what, there is, I'm depressed and my happy pills don't work anymore!!
But there is no one in my life that understands this, not even me. No one to say, Gala, it's not your fault, it's a desease that can be treated and let me make that appointment for you and take you to the doctor so he/she can get you on the path to living again. No one cares, so why should I?
Man, today is not the day for a birthday. I think I will postpone my birthday until I feel like being a happy birthday gal. That's what I will do....no birthday for me today....nope. Put away the cards, candles and wishes....I'm postponing the celebration because frankly, there's nothing to celebrate today.