Happy Freakin' Birthday to ME!

Is it even LEGAL to wake up in a bad mood on your BIRTHDAY?! Well, I guess that since it is my birthday, I can do what ever I want, so let the bad mood continue...

Seriously, you know why some birthdays are harder than others? Because the ones that really SUCK are the ones where you are in the worst place possible in your life. I am not where I want to be in life. I do not want to be overweight or suffering from depression. I do not want to be in a failed marriage or seperated for over three years now. I do not want to be alone or tired or moody or irritated at life in general. I do not want to be dissappointed in people that are suppose to love me. I do not want to feel like I'm about to die at any given moment and this is the way people will remember me. I do not want to be such a bad example of how to live for my daughter. She deserves so much more.

And I am so tired of kicking myself in the ass and telling myself to just stop feeling sorry for yourself and get back on track. Just get up stupid and put your clothes away that have piled up to the ceiling. Just clean your house that has been neglected for months. Just keep your car cleaned out for pete's sake! Just do it!

Fact is, I can't just do it and that makes me feel even more guilty and worthless. Like something is wrong with me....guess what, there is, I'm depressed and my happy pills don't work anymore!!

But there is no one in my life that understands this, not even me. No one to say, Gala, it's not your fault, it's a desease that can be treated and let me make that appointment for you and take you to the doctor so he/she can get you on the path to living again. No one cares, so why should I?

Man, today is not the day for a birthday. I think I will postpone my birthday until I feel like being a happy birthday gal. That's what I will do....no birthday for me today....nope. Put away the cards, candles and wishes....I'm postponing the celebration because frankly, there's nothing to celebrate today.

Birthday Logic

I will turn 35 in two days. I am at the mid-point of my life and I still feel like a lost soul trying to find my way in the fog. When I was 16, I just knew that my life would be perfect by the time I reached this age. I’d have a perfect job that I loved and that fulfilled me. I’d have a wonderful, loving husband that made me laugh and was my partner in all things. I’d have at least two if not four great kids that provided all the entertainment one could ever need. And I would have a gaggle of tight girlfriends that would get together often to celebrate our wonderful lives.

Here I am at 35 and I have one great kid, two failed marriages, a great job and some great friends and some disappointing friends. The optimist in me sees that I’m half-way there, but the pessimist in me says, “Damn! I’m freakin’ tired of getting my heart broken and cleaning up after my horrible failures!”

So what is a girl to do? Dust myself off, re-evaluate what went wrong and what I can do better next time and go forth and live. What else can I do?

What do I want for my 35th year of life? I want to get healthy: lose weight, exercise more and eat healthy most of the time (folks, I LOVE to eat!) I want to find more time in my days to get the things done that matter: play with my daughter, do my homework (yes, I’m working on my BAS) and keep a clean and tidy home. I want to love myself unconditionally, the way that I love my daughter, my family and friends. Stop being so hard on myself for not being the perfect person I expect myself to be. Be a good example for my daughter. Keep my bills paid and actually save some money (again, not my strongest trait!). I want to be a better person: kinder, gentler and more peaceful. I want to stop being so darn angry at the world for giving me the genes that make my life such a stinking challenge!!!

Happy Freakin’ Birthday to ME!!